Your Child's Grief


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Children react to grief in different ways. These are some of the ways they might react:-

Children may first feel numb and shocked when someone has died. They may become withdrawn or perhaps have an outburst of screaming. They may act as though nothing has happened.

Despair and sadness may follow, or the child may become very angry. Younger children may break their toys in anger. Older children may be aggressive to brothers, sisters and friends. Children may say angry and hurtful things to members of their family, like 'I hate you', but this is part of learning how to cope with their feelings and the change that has happened in their life.

Some children might feel blame for the death of a loved one.

Most children will feel insecure. Children may change or regress and act in an immature and babyish way. Some children refuse to go to school, fearing you might not be there when they get back. They might find it hard to concentrate once at school and might fall behind with their work. Eating habits may change, becoming fussy , not eating or hoarding food. Young children may wet and soil again, or want a long-forgotten bottle or dummy. Children of any age may wet the bed.

They may become more prone to illness.

The way they behave can vary a lot from day to day. Young children have problems knowing what death means. They may seem to have taken in what has happened one  day and then ask after the dead person the next day.

Children are likely to be disturbed in the first few weeks after someone's death, but a lot of children still have problems for up to one or two years later.


How to Help Your Child:-

The Need for Honest, Open Talking
Remember you cannot stop the pain of losing someone. It is right that children are sad when someone dies. Trying to protect them from unhappiness may make problems for them in later life.

Most adults feel awkward talking about death, especially to children. They are afraid they might scare their child or say the wrong thing. You need to talk about death and provide honest and truthful answers to your child's questions. Often the meaning of a child's question is unclear. It may be wise to ask "why do you ask me that? " before trying to answer. It is best to avoid answers like "Daddy has gone to sleep", a the child may fear going to sleep, or "Grandma has gone away" as your child may believe she will come back.

Children are better able than we think to take on board an honest attempt to explain death. They may ask the same question again and again. This is normal. It is your child' s way of coming to understand what has happened. Make sure your child does not feel that they are to blame for the death.

The Importance of the Funeral
The funeral plays an important part in grieving. The family can say goodbyes with the support of family and friends. It is important for children to be involved in getting ready for the funeral. You should explain what will happen and let them attend the service, but don't force your child. Explain that when they are ready they can visit the grave or garden of rest.

The Need for Reassurance
Your child needs plenty of reassurance. Let them know you love them and will be there for them. Give them lots of cuddles. Let your child know that feelings are important. Take time to listen to them. If you have not got the time when they ask a question, make sure you make time later and tell them that you will do so. Teenagers may want to spend more time on their own- let them.


Practical Ways to help your Child Through Their Grief

Grief is tiring, so change between active and quiet activities. Think about an early bedtime for young children.

Extra clothing during the day can reduce the coldness of shock. It can make your child feel loved and protected. Soft sheets and blankets on your child's bed will be comforting.

Give special foods. Soft foods remind your child of being young and protected.

Try to keep to your usual routine. Maintaining a routine reassures your child. Try not to worry or get cross if their behaviour seems strange and babyish.

Don't tell your child not to worry or be sad. They can't control their feelings, just as you can't control your own.

Don't try to hide your pain. It is alright to cry in front of your child. You will need to talk to people yourself through the difficult times.

Do let your child know that you understand how they are feeling and that you are there for them whenever they want to talk.


Tasks to Help Your Child Grieving
Remembering how things used to be is an important part of grieving. It can be comforting to realise that the person who has died can still be an important part of our lives. As time goes on, your child should find it easier to talk about their own loss. It is important to allow and encourage your child to look back on their memories, when they seem ready. Reading a book, looking through old photographs or perhaps making a scrap book, can help your child to talk about their thoughts and feelings.

Young children may not understand what is said to them and are unable to tell you how they feel. They may be able to use toys or drawings to help them let you know.

Visiting the grave or garden of rest (from time to time) is also very important. Encourage your child to take an active part, for example, arranging flowers on the grave.

Often your child can gain great pleasure from being allowed to keep an object which reminds them of the person who has died.

Do let your child's school know about your child's loss. Your child's teacher can be there to provide reassurance. Keep the school informed. Some teachers may not realise how long the effects of bereavement can last. School friends can help children a lot, but sometimes children will be cruel and it might help to prepare your child for this. You could discuss ways of answering unkind remarks.

There is no right or wrong way of grieving, and each child is unique and special. Take things one day at a time.

(Leaflet based on one produced by West Cumberland Hospital, Whitehaven)

NHS Lanarkshire Therapeutic Support in Cancer and Palliative Care
Beckford Lodge
Caird Street
Hamilton, ML3 0AL
Tel: (01698) 285828

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