I don't believe he's gone - I can still hear and see him.
Even when you have known for some time that someone is going to
die, there is still a sense of shock when the death occurs. You may feel cold,
numb and empty and unreal for a time and have trouble in believing that he or
she is really dead and is not coming back. This sense will start to fade in
a few days or weeks, although it may retum from time to time. When it does,
you might feel that you can hear or see him or her again, and each time there
will be fresh shock and disbelief when you realise the truth of the loss. One
extension of this belief is that you may dream of the one who has died; if you
have lost your partner, some of these dreams may be sexual. All these feelings,
while not universal, are normal and do not mean that you are going crazy.
I don't seem to be able to setle down to anything,yet there's so much
that needs doing ..
You will probably find it difficult to concentrate, feel that your thoughts
are confused and that everything is an effort. You may lose your appetite, become
forgetful and feel tired, yet have difficulty in sleeping. Try to eat proper
food rather than snacks and try to get adequate rest even if you cannot sleep.
Most people cry many times when they remember the person who has died, or some
part of the funeral; while this can leave you exhausted, it is a normal way
of letting your grief out. Holding it in can be just as exhausting.
I always seem to want to talk about it ...
There is often a recurring need to talk about the dead person, their
illness and death- the good times and the bad times. The best way in which family
and friends can help is to listen and to share this remembering, although they
may find this listening painful and embarrassing because they do not know what
to say. Friends and family are often available early in bereavement and less
so later on. It is important to reach out to them when you need them. Don't
wait for them to guess how you feel.
Sometimes I can remember ...
Life may seem flat and aimless but you should allow memories to come
and go- whether they are good memories or bad. Just as our own faults can lead
to regrets and feelings of guilt, we must remember that other people have faults
too. We preserve their memory more fully if we remember the whole person, faults
as well as virtues. If you find your memories have gaps, try talking with someone
who will help you to explore these spaces and fill them.
I don't think I'll ever be happy ...
Things may feel so bad that you cannot see any prospect of them ending. In some
ways, they don't end, because your memories remain but much of the pain does
become less acute. At some stage, you will find that your sadness is interrupted
by pleasure about something that happens now. These feelings of pleasure don't
mean that you're not caring for the dead person. You should therefore renew
old interests and in time seek new ones. But being alternately sad and happy
can be very confusing and difficult to cope with. Special anniversaries, including
birthdays and Christmas can be particularly difficult. You may need extra help
at such times- do ask for it.
No one seems to understand how I feel - they tell me I should have
got over it by now...
People who tell us not to get upset mean well but perhaps do not realise
that distress, which may continue for a very long time, is natural and right
when someone close to us dies. Try to go to someone who will understand your
need to be upset and grieve - if your family or friends find this too hard your
GP, Counsellor or faith leader might be able to help you. You may want the privacy
that comes from being alone at times but at other times find loneliness a burden.
If you find you are alone a lot, try to tell someone and ask for companionship.
You may find yourself hurt and convinced that some of your friends are avoiding
you. This does happen, often as a result of "not knowing what to say".
It may be up to you to make the first step.
I don't feel so good ...
It's easy to neglect yourself because you don't care at a time like this. It
is important, though, not to neglect your health and because you are under stress
you may be more susceptible to infection. Try to eat regularly, even if your
appetite and enjoyment of food have disappeared. Even though your sleep may
be disturbed try to get enough rest.
I think I am going mad ...
Grief is associated with stronger emotions than most people have felt before
and you may feel that these emotions are taking over. In fact, people do not
go mad with grief but while you are going through the grieving process, you
may feel and act differently from usual. It may be tempting to feel that things
would be easier if you moved house or disposed of possessions but in fact this
is not a good time to make major changes in your life -what seems right now
may not seem right in several months time. If you cannot avoid having to take
important decisions, try to talk them over with an experienced person whom you
can trust and who can help you to consider the various options. Family, friends,
faith leaders or solicitors may all be appropriate people.
Why us?
Many people have strong feelings of anger which may be difficult to express
or understand. You may feel anger at the fact of the death itself, at being
deprived of companionship, or at your faith or the world for such a painful
and seemingly pointless loss. You may also feel angry with people close to you
who may not seem as upset as you are, or with those who were involved during
the illness or at the time of death. Sometimes there is reasonable cause for
anger, but even if there is not, the feeling will still be there. It will diminish
in time but is real and normal.
If only ...
It is natural to feel at times that things would have been different if you
had acted differently. There may be regrets for things said or done, or even
not said or not done. We are all human and some misunderstandings and disagreements
are inevitable in our relationships. When someone dies, we lose the opportunity
to change things with them. Guilty feelings are not always justified and should
pass in time. If they persist, it may help to talk to your Doctor, Counsellor
or Faith Leader to try to understand better why you continue to feel as you
do.
CONCLUSIONS
These paragraphs summarise some of the thoughts and emotions which are entirely
normal and which you may feel. No two people grieve in exactly the same way,
so not all these comments will be appropriate to you. We hope knowing that other
people have similar feelings may make them less disturbing and frightening for
you.
This information is based on a leaflet prepared by staff associated with the Bereavement Support Service at Sir Michael Sobell House, Oxford.